stop trying to fix your damn self

280. like many of you, i have a pattern that shows up during big transitions: the urge to “fix” everything about ourselves all at once. 

i'm here to call BS on that, and to remind you that you are already a complete human and you don't need to fix everything about you. 

instead of fixing yourself, you can build on your already strong foundation.

if you loved what i talked about in this episode, you're going to love working with me.

i can help you feel better and get more done when you work with me 1:1. i'll help you figure out a meaningful goal, we'll create an action plan and i'll help you get unstuck all along the way. you don't have to go it alone, and you don't have to burn yourself out!

 
want to see if we are a good fit for 1:1 coaching? go to https://itstammiebennett.com/coaching and schedule a free discovery call to see if we are a good fit and find out what it looks like to work together.

 
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Transcript

Welcome And What This Show Is

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey, welcome to the Tammy Bennett Show, the podcast for people who want to feel better and get shit done. It's me, Tammy Bennett, life and business coach, and I'm here to share bite-sized episodes full of mindset tips and practical strategies for setting goals and overcoming goblins like procrastination, perfectionism, and overthinking so you can get more done without all that nasty self-talk. And sometimes I just share personal stories about my experience that won't be chalk full of tips, but they will help you feel less alone and probably a lot more normal. This is

New House Travel Chaos Setup

SPEAKER_00 0:33

gonna be fun. Hey, hey, hey, welcome back to the Tammy Bennett Show. This is episode 280, and today's episode I am entitling Stop Trying to Fix Your Damn Self. But before we get there, I kind of just have to set the scene. I am in our new house in New Jersey. We drove across country. My husband, one of my daughters, and I, and our two doggies, and whatever stuff we felt was essential that we would need for the next six weeks or so. Uh in two cars, we drove from Portland, Oregon to the Jersey Shore. We did it in a little over three days, so we were in the car a lot. Um, but anyway, I'm in my new place. We don't have any furniture yet other than beds, and so I am sitting on a brand new beach chair, and the fabric is super, super um stiff and kind of creaky. So I'm like sitting here terrified to move because it'll make crazy noises for this podcast. Uh, and I have my two doggies, so who knows when they're gonna start snoring or making noise. Um so yeah, and I just have the microphone like kind of propped. Um, you know, I'm sitting on one of those really low beach chairs, so the microphone is sort of propped, like almost like on my stomach, like uh like I used to put plates on my belly when I was pregnant. Uh so it's just a very weird setup. So uh it's gonna be kind of interesting. I'm kind of terrified to move, terrified to wake up the doggies. Uh, but we're gonna get through it. It's gonna be great. The other kind of funny or interesting thing about this episode is that I thought I had already recorded it. And so I know I didn't put out a podcast last week because I was in the car traveling through Idaho probably at that time. Um, but I thought that I had already recorded it, so I sat down, you know, in my creaky beach chair right now just to edit it, and I'm like, all I have to do is edit it, it won't take that long. I go and there's no file, and so I'm like, wait, what happened? And then I realized, oh, I actually didn't record it. What happened was is I walked to the library in Portland for the last time, and I canceled my holds and I returned the books that I had, and I was walking home and I had the idea for this podcast, so I just recorded it into my Voice Notes app on my phone, and I would just use that recording for today's episode, but there was a lot of background traffic and cars passing, and so it's just like not even remotely. I'm I'm I'm like not worried too much about quality for this podcast, obviously, but this one was not even remotely usable. Uh, it's only usable enough to remind me what my ideas were on that walk. So, anyway, here I was sitting down to think all I had to do was edit, and now here I am having to record and then edit. Do do do

The Water Challenge

SPEAKER_00 3:06

do do do. It's challenge time. Today's challenge for you, my friend, is going to be super easy, and you can do it right now while you're listening to this podcast. You don't even have to pause it. I want you to just get a glass of water, and I want you to drink it. All eight ounces. One glass of water, eight ounces or so, and I just want you to chug that thing right now as you're listening. And the reason I'm giving you this challenge is because I'm super dehydrated because as we were driving across the country, I didn't want to drink too much water because I didn't want to have too many bathroom breaks, and then I just kind of got out of the habit because I'm not a super um, I don't love water. I it's not my favorite drink. And so once I had those three and a half, four days, whatever, of not drinking water, I sort of like forgot it existed. And I've been really trying to do a better job of rehydrating myself and staying hydrated. So that's my challenge for you. I'm gonna check on you at the end of this episode to see if you took me up on it, but hopefully you've already finished that eight-ounce glass by now.

Stop Trying To Fix Yourself

SPEAKER_00 4:08

Okay, friend, let's talk about today's topic, which I'm calling again, stop trying to fix your damn self. And this is uh, you know, based on a story about my life. So as I was doing that library walk that I told you about earlier, uh, the whole way to the library, and you know, in in all the days kind of leading up to it as we're like, you know, doing getting ready to do this move, I realized that I was falling into old habits that I had and I didn't like it, and so I am trying to, you know, try to stop it, and I just want to remind you of this. So what what the heck am I talking about? So it all started innocently when you know we found out where we're gonna move. So the first thing I did was look up a library, of course. And so then I'm like, okay, I'm gonna get like in the first week there, I'm gonna get a library card, and then I'm gonna find a gym and I'm gonna join a gym because our new house is smaller than our old house and I don't have a place to work out in this new house. Um, and then I was like, yeah, and then I'm gonna get like all the phone numbers of all the doctors, and because I need to like finally take care of that like one little thing that's been, you know, like on the back of my mind, or I need to get that other little thing checked out. And then that started turning into, yeah, and then I'm gonna like really do a lot more crafts and I'm really gonna do a lot more art, and I'm gonna do a lot more of this, and I'm gonna like take better care of my hair, and I'm gonna take better care of the garden, and and like, well, better care of the garden. I'm gonna like start taking care of the garden, and I'm gonna we're gonna really like keep the house super clean, and we're finally gonna be that like shoes-off household that I've been trying to be for decades, and it turned into this like vicious spiral of all the things that I was gonna do to fix myself, to better myself, to better our house and better our family, and all the things that we weren't doing good enough now here in Portland, and that we're gonna do better once we move. And I understand the appeal of this. I kind of go through this every New Year's, um, right? So I think a lot of people do that where it's like New Year's Eve and they're thinking of all the ways that they're gonna be better people uh in the next year ahead. And I also tend to do this around September because the vast majority of my life has revolved around like a September to June kind of academic calendar. So, you know, I was in school for all the years, I went to college, I went to law school, I got a master's, so all of those years of school. Plus, I've had three kids who have all uh are now either in college or have graduated from college. So so much of my life has revolved around that September to June. And so much of my life was thinking like, okay, this school year, I'm gonna

The Moving Reset Fantasy Spiral

SPEAKER_00 6:45

blah, blah, blah, right? I'm gonna do this better and I'm gonna do that better. So I have noticed that about myself every September, every January. And so I'm I've been kind of on to myself where I'm like, chill, Tammy, hold on, hold on to your horses, like you don't have to like better yourself about everything. You're doing a really effing good job right now. Let's just take a step back and let's not try to like fix all the things or change all the things. So I've been on to myself in September and January to like, I know that my tendency is to do those things, and I know that I sort of get to like what I've done for myself is I I stop, I think about what's going really well right now because there's so much to celebrate. Um, and then I'll let myself, you know, choose one or two things that I want to like add on top for a nice little challenge, sort of like the whipped cream or cherry on a Sunday. Although I, to be honest, I don't like whipped cream or cherries, like not fake cherries on my Sundays. So maybe that's not the best, you know, kind of analogy, metaphor, whatever. Um, but it's like I like to remind myself, and I'm reminding you right now that you are perfectly whole and beautiful and genius and creative and kind and good and perfectly imperfect as you are right now. You're a complete, whole ass human. And then if you want to add things to challenge yourself or try to change or improve, great. Let's just put those on top of the already complete thing that you are, right? And so I remind myself of that every September, every January. But this one kind of took me by surprise. You know, it's been uh I think maybe 11 years since we moved last. And this one took me by surprise, this kind of flood of all the ideas of how I was going to better myself, right? So it was just a really good reminder that so many of us have these tendencies to want to fix, fix, fix, fix, fix, change, change, change, change, change, improve, improve, improve, improve. Like there's a whole industry on how to better yourself. And I think a lot of it is just bunk. Um, and this is me being, you know, a life and business coach where my whole job is to help people improve parts of their lives, but we start that by looking at that beautiful foundation of the person that they've already built and all the things that they're already doing well and uh all the things that are going right in their lives, and then we just build on top of that already existing, really strong, beautiful, complete foundation. And so I just wanted to take this opportunity to remind you that you right now, right this minute, right this second, are complete and whole and perfectly imperfect, and you don't need to go fix and improve yourself. You can if you want for the little additional challenge of life. I love me a good challenge. I love me a good goal. That's my whole business, my whole like kind of life philosophy is choosing a goal that challenges us and then going to get it. But I don't do it from a place of needing that goal to fix a hole in me or to complete an incomplete person. And so uh yeah, this kind of this kind of flood that I was experiencing of all the ways that I was gonna improve myself when I moved

New Year And September Reinvention Loop

SPEAKER_00 9:59

is BS, and I'm calling bunk on it. And if you're doing the same, you know, even if you're not moving, if you're just like, I need to better myself about this, let's just change that kind of phrasing. You don't need to. You're pretty fucking awesome right now. Maybe you want to, maybe you just want to add a little challenge. Maybe you want to, let's say, be better at drinking water, maybe you want to be more consistent with your exercise for your health, right? So maybe there are some challenges that you want to give yourself. Let's do it from a place where you're already perfectly imperfect and beautiful and whole and complete. And then you can add on those challenges just for kind of like a bonus, right? To improve little things, but not because you need to, because you're not good enough right now, just because you want the little extra challenge. And so that's what I'm doing here. I am limiting myself in the Jersey Shore to one or two little things at a time that I would like to tweak and improve a little bit. And once those have kind of been folded into me and kind of who I am, then I can choose another one or two things that I would like to focus on improving or tweaking or changing. Um, and and maybe the same for you, right? How are you already whole and complete? What are you already doing well? Because there is so much, my friend. There is so much that you are doing well. And I'm not just talking about like productivity marking off tasks. I'm talking about the person that you are, the challenges that you are overcoming, the people that you are helping, the people that you are supporting. So I'm talking about way more than just like, you know, you're doing great because you're marking off 10 tasks a day. That's not what I'm talking about. Yeah, that's my message for you. I think I'm starting to ramble a little bit, so I think I'm gonna cut it off now, but I hope you get my point. Stop trying to fix your damn self. Know that you're fantastic already, and you can add a little bonus sprinklings on top if you want. Now, before I go, I'm gonna check in. Did you pound that glass of water? Did you just chug it on down? If not, raise your glass and drink that thing down, friend. Your body and your brain are gonna thank you. All right, friend, speaking of thanks, thanks for being here for this episode of the Tammy Bennett Show. Now go out there and show up for yourself. Friend, if you liked what I talked about in this podcast and you want a little help applying it to your life so you can feel better and do more of what you want, you're gonna love working with me one-on-one as your coach. I will help you with strategy and mindset so you can figure out what you want, make an action plan, and I'll help you get unstuck all along the way. Go to it's tammybennett.com forward slash coaching and schedule a discovery call with me to see if we are a good fit to work together. Hey, loyal podcast listener. Thank you so much for listening to this episode all the way through to the end. Your secret challenge is to find me on Instagram. My account is it's Tammy Bennett, and find the post that corresponds to this podcast episode. And in the comments, leave me an emoji about water because that will tell me that not only did you listen to this episode, but you took me up on the challenge to chug a glass of water, and now you feel great about it. Okay, that'll be our secret code. It'll let me know. Thank you so much for being here.